Monday, March 21, 2011

Lackadaisical rant of desperation!

Humanity constantly tries to break through attempts to transcend humanity. It erodes me in places that I cannot defend, and just wears me out too much to keep it up for very long.

When it comes to other people, I do my best to give everything my all, and more often than not I end up incredibly attached and sometimes love someone with everything I have. I don't give into my need to feel all right as an individual as long as I can do something that will make them happy, and I've just truly felt that if I can help make someone happy who I love then I'll be happy with myself no matter what.

That concept itself might be beyond humanity, and a lot of the resulting devastation is consequent of that striving to get past everything about ourselves that holds us back.

I have a pretty unique brand of optimism in that although things don't usually go very well for me, I keep expecting them to look up, but they rarely do and then I end up feeling even more crushed. After each ordeal, though, I still retain some sort of optimism and revert back to it in a more reserved manner. It isn't something everybody intuitively feels, and neither is the willingness to do anything for anyone you care about. It just makes me feel so separated from everyone I know.

I'm just getting poorer and poorer at being optimistic about my own life and relationships, I suppose. I need to just be mindful, since things always do improve.

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